I was talking to a friend earlier today about our past relationships, and the topic came up as to why I broke it off with the last woman I dated. In a word? Money. It may not be politically-correct to say that out loud, but when it's all said and done, that's basically what it came down to.
Around 2022 to 2023, I met this lovely woman who is also a single mother. This isn't new to me, as my ex-wife was also a single mother when I first met her, and to this day, I treat my adopted kid no different than my biological kids (but they are also all adults now).
Knowing what I went through the first time, both emotionally and financially, I knew that it would not be an easy road. Still, I understood what I was signing up for, and I was fine with it so long as I had a decent, like-minded partner working beside me. Unfortunately, I found out that I did not. Put plainly, she turned out to be a spender while I was a saver.
Before I continue with this story, I do confess that I'm not exactly the most frugal person out there. I still spend money when I really shouldn't on stuff I don't actually need. However, while I may not be the best saver out there, I am still a saver at heart. If I learned anything with my marriage many moons ago, it is that financial compatibility is just as important as emotional compatibility.
For us guys, trying to figure out women is like trying to learn alien hieroglypics. Even when narrowed down to just financial compatibility, it is not always easy and obvious. There were a lot of small, possible red flags along the way, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when she hinted that she wanted me to buy her a brand new iPhone. I thought she was joking at first, and I laughed and played along, but then, I got the hint that while she was "joking" about it, she was actually not joking.
Now, would I actually buy her a brand new iPhone? I wouldn't say it's completely out of the question, but you understand my concerns right? Why no Androids? Why must it be an iPhone specifically? And why does it have to be the latest model of iPhone? Not only that, but why won't she spend HER own money to get one? Why am I the one who has to buy one with MY money? I did ask these questions, and basically, her response was, "But don't you love me? Aren't I worth it?" Faaaantastic.
At this point, I also want to point out that she has no idea what my net worth is. She just knows I don't mind paying for things when we go out. Still though, a plate of pasta and a glass of wine is one thing, but brand-new hotel stays and iPhones is just a bridge too far for me.
I'm really shortening this story, and simplifying it for clarification purposes, but after spending a good week meditating on this clear-as-mud situation, I ultimately ruled that this isn't going to work out. It took more than a decade of me struggling to regain my footing after my disastrous marriage, to finally feel so immensely grateful and free to get a second chance at life, from what I thought was going to be a lifetime sentence of utter ruin and hopelessness.
She had wonderful kids too. I am sorry for her and her kids especially. I truly am, but I can't afford to fall back into the abyss again. I need someone who is a saver, or else, I would much rather stay single for the rest of my life.
October 29th, 2024 at 12:57 am 1730163432
Hmm ... is her love language gifts? Was she indulged by a previous husband? Did she want to marry you and co-mingle finances? Did you know all the details of her financial background (if she didn't know your net worth, did you know hers?) And while I'm not necessarily judging your decision, I'm curious if that was the only point you diverged at (money).
October 29th, 2024 at 06:00 am 1730181638
She was also previously married, though I do not know if he indulged her. In fact, the old husband took from her, not the other way around. Perhaps this shaped her world view about taking from me, who knows? One of the biggest was him still holding the deed to her parent's house, and when they divorced, she was unable to get it back from him. I am not entirely sure what the specifics are to that, but she can't afford the legal fees to fight that one.
She did want to be married, and would have pushed to co-mingle finances. However, I made it clear that I don't co-mingle finances, and I advocate pre-nups.
Her net worth is well into the negatives. She struggles to raise her kids, which I did help when we dated, and I even went out of my way to give her some money when I broke up with her, which should help them for a few more months.
There are more non-financial concerns involved, although for her own privacy sake, I am not comfortable discussing it with strangers online. In any case, I only focused on the financial stuff on a financial site, and the iPhone example was described because it was the final straw that broke the camel's back.
October 29th, 2024 at 01:45 pm 1730209507
These things are more complicated than they seem. Financial compatibility is extremely important for me (even moreso after a lifetime of peace on this front). But these things go both ways. It's not like spenders would really want to spend their life with a saver. & I personally have a very low tolerance for chaos. It's always going to be more than just about money. Sure, I have friends and relatives who married spenders and are constantly challenged in their relationship. I just don't have it in me. After a lifetime of financial peace, it would be even more nonsensical for me to say, "Nah, let's just get into a chaotic financial relationship next time." Most people do just repeat the financial patterns of their past.
I've been really enjoying Ramit Sethi's podcast. It's Ramit Tuesday! He just changed his podcast title to 'Money for Couples.' I think he was tired of everyone complaining he only had couples on the show. But check it out, you might get something out of it.
October 29th, 2024 at 02:04 pm 1730210654
In my defense, however, I also want to point out that I have never had any problems with paying for dates and relationships. To me, I view it as investments toward a positive life experience and possible life-long partnership. It's just that there are limits though. The woman in question, we dated for only a few months, and she's asking for a $1000 phone. That's just too much for me.
Also, what irked me was the way she responded, resorting to the use of emotional blackmail rather than trying to be reasonable towards some kind of compromise. I don't believe that's how adults should communicate.
October 29th, 2024 at 02:28 pm 1730212125
Sad that she equated her importance and value to be commensurate to the size gift that she wanted; I do feel that you dodged a bullet. I'm just curious because I am someone who had a father who attempted to control me with money (still does, though now disinheritance threats mean nothing, and actually have motivated me to move to a place of self resilience) and this is almost a reverse psychology ploy that she used. I do admire that you see dating as investing in your future partnership. I am younger (10+ years) than my SO and it took him awhile to get over the fact that I sometimes Zelle him $ after an outing. He's old school, but he's retired and I work, so for me its a matter of contributing non-obtrusively.
October 29th, 2024 at 02:51 pm 1730213504
October 30th, 2024 at 05:26 am 1730266017
Now if i were with a spender i just couldn't be with someone irresponsible. It would give me an ulcer even thinking about it. So it's not just men with spending women. It's also women with spending men!
October 30th, 2024 at 07:32 pm 1730316756
October 31st, 2024 at 05:44 pm 1730396658
Your previous girlfriend sounded like she wanted to be taken care of by you and basically for you to buy her things so she didn't have to so you could prove your love. A woman I know has been married twice -- divorced one and widowed and she currently is seeing a new, wealthy man who isn't all that great, but she said if she married him, he could pay for all the fabulous vacations she wants to take. She has money of her own, but she still wants someone to pay for everything.
So, back to you. Wise move on your part. I think as I've grown older, I've learned to be content with what I have. Granted, I am not doing without, but I'm also not recreational shopping and am looking for ways to save money here and there. I think if you'd stayed with this person, you would have been miserable.
October 31st, 2024 at 07:09 pm 1730401793