There's something I've been ruminating recently, and while it is financially-related, I think it's also something even more fundamental than that.
Do you know why men are generally not savers? Asking a genuine question here, because I've known and spoken with a lot of smart men before, and yet, most of them struggle financially.
Sure, you could say it's simply not in their interest to do so, because it runs contrary to whatever it is they want out of life. Whether it's fishing, off-roading, or even just wanting that large screen TV to watch the sports of their choice, it's what they are most interested in, as opposed to not scratching that itch and building up a financial nest egg....
But why though? Why these things? Why anything at all? A lot of men love to say how they can't spend their money once they are dead, so might as well spend it now, but unless you're a hardcore believer in the Egyptian afterlife, neither can you take your large screen TV or fishing boat with you. So what's really going on here?
For us men anyway, I find that... many of us struggle with a sense of self-identity or self-worth. I think we want to be of value to our peers, even to society in general, and ideally in our preferred field of interests. Even if it's hobbies such as fishing, off-roading, or just watching the game on TV and being highly knowledgeable in sports teams.... That and the majority of us men tie our identity and worth to our jobs and careers as well....
But not in Saving though. To be clear, I am not suggesting saving is a bad idea. Quite the contrary, but I also think... most men are not savers because they don't tie their self-identity and self-worth to saving and investing money. Not all men, of course, as there are plenty of male accountants, investors, and day traders. Still, even then... it's not Saving exactly.
On the flip side, I wonder, is this also why most regulars on SavingAdvice here DO become so financially successful? Dear readers, would you go so far as to say that your self-identity and self-worth is at least partially tied to being a proud Saver and investor?
And while I am here, how does it work for women? Since there are several readers who are female here, I am curious, what do women typically base their own sense of self-identity and self-worth to? What is something you wish your significant other (real or hypothetical) should understand that's important to you, that makes you who you are, and is perhaps even considered sacred that he or she should understand and help nurture?
Does any of that make sense? Am I talking crazy? I'm starting to confuse even myself, so I'll stop here.
December 19th, 2025 at 02:37 pm 1766155032
Let's face it. We are all tempted to spend $$ on a regular basis. And even if you somehow weren't tempted, there are also many necessities of life that require spending, like keeping a roof over your head, and if your income isn't equal to or greater than those required expenses, you can bet that long-term savings is going to fall by the wayside.
I can't say that my identity or self-worth is tied to being a saver or investor. I have been frugal all my life becus I'm on my own and am conscious about what could happen if I don't allocate what resources I have wisely, and I always wanted to make sure that my older years would be comfortable, even if I had to sacrifice in my younger years.
Most women would probably say they get their sense of identity and self-worth from being a wife and mother, or perhaps their career, as I did. Now that I am retired, I've had to shift my thinking because most people who know me today don't give a hoot what I did as someone's employee for the last 40 years. So I do find my various volunteer jobs satisfying and fulfilling, and I will continue to look for avenues to help make the world a better place I know that sounds sappy, but it's honestly how I feel.
December 19th, 2025 at 05:12 pm 1766164356
December 20th, 2025 at 03:44 am 1766202266
I don't have a good answer to your question and would have to ponder. But I did notice I had a bit of a negative visceral reaction to the idea of identity being tied up in work. Maybe even having it tied up in motherhood. Thinking about it some time later, I did think about how my parents were good role models on this front. I don't feel like either of my parents modeled, "My identity is what I do." Their identity was being kind people and making the world a better place (PS's reply definitely resonates with me). It's come up as to the very vocal minority who do not like that my spouse stayed home to raise kids. That would only bother you if you felt your worth was tied to your work. The comments make me grateful I was not raised in that framework (and that it sounds completely foreign to me). For example, my mom was the one always caring for the sick people. She had a couple of friends who lost their husbands to cancer and cystic fibrosis, when I was a child. She literally sat by their bedsides when their wives had to work. I never really thought about it until I saw other adults putting down adults who make time in their lives for something other than paid work. It's just so clear to me that we need those people to care for the children, the sick, the elderly, etc. It's extra crazy to me because in either case these were financially sound households. We certainly weren't hurting anyone (my mom or my husband), by taking time off work to take care of other people.
This is getting long so I am going to make a second comment.
December 20th, 2025 at 03:55 am 1766202949
I had a funny interaction the other day at work. We had a toxic employee going through a divorce when I first started at this job some years ago. She ended up getting fired last year and it was a good change. I told two of my coworkers the other day that another ex-employee was getting divorced (this was shocking news) and somehow the topic came up of this other employee's divorce. I guess she was sharing some TMI stuff with them and I told then I didn't know any of that. All I ever heard was the money side. & I said something like, "No one ever tells me anything about their divorces". It's always some mystery no one wants to talk about. I mean, I get it, it's very private. But I told them, "But they always tell me the money stuff." Because they do! I know all the money stuff of all the divorces. Sometimes because they want money advice. Sometimes just because they think I would understand. & I can see why the two more touchy/feely type women in the office were getting the TMI stuff they didn't want to hear. They were both, "Lucky you!" (that I didn't get all the TMI commentary). & I kind of had a lightbulb moment that people are always focused more on the money side when they talk to me. It's hard to parse out how much is my job title and how much personal finance is obviously my passion. & I swear, 99% of the time I would never bring it up, because no one else seems to care about this topic or be on the same page. But I guess I don't have to say it, it's something about my being. People definitely feel comfortable talking money with me.
December 20th, 2025 at 06:47 am 1766213277
I also think in general men are more competetive and ‘stuff’ is ‘status’ that you can ‘show off’ more than high net worth.
I think in general, women are less risk takers and seek out ‘safe’ savings.
And although I think this is sad, women in my generation tend to gain ‘status’ from a successful husband and children.
I centered my life on my work - which for the most part I loved and in many ways was good at. I liked the money and I liked the praise and I liked the actual work.
What I didn’t like was the politics of it. I could tell that I was never going to ‘play the game’ better than I already did, and that to Do so would undermine my own beliefs and integrity.
When I had enough money to be done, I was done.
I did some volunteer work but I am not suited to the niceness it requires.
I did some consulting but the time commitment interfered with my fun.
My self worth is rooted in the fact that I have supported myself since I was 18. I sustained a career even as technology changed. I positively impacted many people’s lives. I am happy either way the rhythm of my days and I owe no one an explanation for my choices.
December 20th, 2025 at 06:50 pm 1766256644
As for financial stuff, my (male) friends and co-workers liked to talk to me about money as well, but in my case, more than anything, they either wanted me to share any good stock tips or get rich quick ideas, or to applaud their initiative in their own get rich quick schemes. Whenever possible, I tell them that I saved up slowly and surely, over the course of decades even. However, that idea never went well with any of them haha.
LOI: What an excellent summary of your thoughts here.
I also fully agree that men tend to see, or even confuse, saving and investing as one? Certainly, most men around me (who are mostly in law enforcement and the military) are highly competitive indeed.
I also find it interesting that women, as you say, attach at least some sense of their self-identity to others and their pursuits, such as being someone's mom, or wife, and so forth. One of the video channels I would sometimes watch always identified herself as the Wife of an Airline Pilot. While I don't have a problem with that, she repeats that in literally every video she makes. It always made me wonder what would happen if women who do attachments like that end up divorced? I guess, they would have to re-invent that part of their own identity?